Starring: Chad Michael Murray, Luke Wilson, Francesca Eastwood, Teri Polo, Madisen Beaty

Director: J.T. Mollner
Released: 2016

Mood: If you hate yourself and want to ruin not only your night but the next however many nights it takes to forget as much of this movie as you saw before you turned it off or clawed out your own eyeballs.

In all the time I’ve had this website – and in my ENTIRE LIFE – I’ve never quit on a Western. No matter how bad the book, movie, or TV show, I’ve pushed through it. You just never know if there’s gonna be some redeeming factor toward the end that people should know about.

Outlaws & Angels is such a steaming pile of lion shit that I quit. I shut it off and was in such a bad mood that I just went to bed. Then today I Googled ‘what is the smelliest animal feces’ in order to correctly describe the experience for this review.

Lion shit is apparently ghastly because they eat rotten carcasses of other animals. And you’d do better to hang out downwind of a pride of lions at the roadkill buffet than to watch Outlaws & Angels.

It’s so bad that it inspired me to go outside and take a photo of my horses’ crap and use that as the feature image. Like, I’m posting a photo of shit to my website, my pride and joy, because of this movie.

I was forewarned. Two years ago I saw Outlaws & Angels in the $5 bin at Walmart, but my father-in-law said, “Don’t do it, you won’t like it.” I didn’t buy it, but it somehow recently found another way into my house.

I threw it on assuming it would just be the generic brand of terrible that you’d expect from a Western led by Chad Michael Murray and Luke Wilson, and give me fodder for a scathing review.

The thing is, this atrocity doesn’t deserve any more of my words than it takes to warn you away. Here’s the worst of it:

• Everybody actually looks proper filthy and period-appropriate, so you feel a glimmer of hope…
• …Only to have it shattered the moment the dialogue starts
• The acting (other than Steven Michael Quezada) is even worse the dialogue, and the dialogue smells like 200 acres of chicken manure on a muggy summer day
• Francesca Eastwood did NOT inherit even a mouse turd-sized portion of her Western-icon dad’s talent
• The entire thing quickly descends into incest and rape upon rape upon punishing a rapist with more rape

This movie stinks worse than the sewer under a hospital that treats lactose intolerance, IBS, Crohn’s, colitis, pancreatitis, AND short bowel syndrome. Those are all conditions that can cause your poop to smell particularly foul, and you needed to read that fact in a movie review about as much as the Western genre needed this f*cking hate crime against Westerns to appear in its category.

The. End.