Starring: Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, Richard Cetrone, Jason Statham, Pam Grier, Joanna Cassidy, Clea DuVall, Rosemary Forsyth

Director: John Carpenter
Released: 2001

Mood: If you can’t stand the crowds and prices and general stickiness of the modern movie theatre experience and just want to kick back at home with an explosive flick that feels like you’re watching it in your car with the beer you snuck in.

I did NOT expect to love Ghosts of Mars so much.

It has pretty bad reviews, and it doesn’t immediately scream ‘Western’. Obviously I enjoy other genres, but the only reason I was even interested in this movie was in the pursuit of horror Westerns. As a result, Ghosts of Mars got bumped to the bottom of my to-watch list for over a year.

The main reason I put it on last night was that I accidentally crossed it off my paper list when I watched Prisoners of the Ghostland, because of the word ‘ghosts’, and it’s been driving me nuts that my list has been visually inaccurate ever since.

Ghosts of Mars is deliciously over-the-top and all about the action. The colonization of Mars with dusty outposts and small bands of lawmen is deeply Western. It’s like if Mad Max and The Magnificent Seven had a heavy metal, drive-in B-movie love child.

Consider me a part of its cult following. Pass me the punch.

Ghosts of Mars takes place on Mars, in the year 2176.

Mars is 84% terraformed and a matriarchal society, so it’s usually a decent place to live… despite the perpetual red dust, thin air, and heavy similarity to 1800s America. The majority of the planet’s population lives in a couple of small cities and an array of rural outposts, all connected by a railroad.

• Fun Fact #1: John Carpenter chose to set his movie in a matriarchy because then his female action heroes wouldn’t have to waste screentime trying to be taken seriously. They’re all just competent bosses and that’s that.

Led by Commander Helena Braddock (Pam Grier) and Lieutenant Melanie Ballard (Natasha Henstridge), a rag-tag team of Mars Police Force bosses and rookies visits a remote mining outpost. Their goal is to retrieve the notorious criminal James ‘Desolation’ Williams (Ice Cube).

When they arrive in the Shining Canyon outpost, it’s totally vacant. This seems wrong for a weekend in a mining town, where everyone should be drinking and paying for sex. The cops split up to investigate.

One group finds prisoners in the cells at the local jail, including Desolation Williams, but nobody else around. Another group loses Commander Braddock at the edge of the desert. We see glimpses of zombie-like creatures closing in on them. WTF are these things? And who are we fighting here – the zombies, the mega-metal dude, or the red air-ghosts?

The answer is D: all of the above.

This cast is the fire emoji on repeat. I had no idea until I saw the opening credits.

• Fun Fact #2: Courtney Love was originally cast in Natasha Henstridge’s role, but had to drop out because her boyfriend’s ex-wife drove over her foot and broke it. Jason Statham was originally cast as Desolation Williams, but was subbed out for Ice Cube to bring more star power to the movie.

Pam Grier is everything you want in a queer, leather-clad boss bitch. She’s immediately confident and commanding.

Then you get even more strong women. Henstridge is solid as Lieutenant Ballard, a cop addicted to drugs that help her escape. Joanna Cassidy, the icon who gave us characters like Dolores in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Zhora in Blade Runner, makes scientist Whitlock a quirky, spiky steampunk badass.

Clea DuVall is a bit wasted on a character who frequently blanks out or falls down when shit gets heavy, but obviously we need our women to have a diverse range of mental tenacity.

What can I say about Ice Cube? He wasn’t and possibly still isn’t into this movie, but damn, he was great. His presence is powerful. He apparently felt let down by the budget and special effects. But maybe, like the majority of early reviewers, he was just taking it way too seriously.

• Fun Fact #3: Supposedly Carpenter intentionally made Ghosts of Mars tongue-in-cheek, just high on action and silly thrills, citing ‘80s movies like Predator as his influence. He was super frustrated by reviewers treating it as serious horror, when the title alone was clearly intended to be cheesy.

This is a Jason Statham that most of us have forgotten, with a bit of peach fuzz atop his usually bald head. It’s like Bruce Willis in Hudson Hawk. He’s a cheeky, slightly lecherous guy, but makes a great meat shield.

And Richard Cetrone delivers a perfect kind of hyped-up, maniacal, creepy desert metal monster that’s reminiscent of Carpenter’s Escape from New York, or the contestants on Dragula, who should definitely do a Carpenter-themed challenge.

• Fun Fact #4: Fans still circulate a rumour that Ghosts of Mars was originally written as a sequel to Escape from LA, and that Desolation Williams was supposed to be Snake Plissken. Carpenter has been cagey, saying that while that’s not the case, that would make a hell of a story.

The rest of the cast is also refreshingly diverse. The anti-heroes are Native, Black, and Latino.

The smart-mouthed dialogue in Ghosts of Mars is distinctly John Carpenter. It’s more polished and clever than his 1998 Western-adjacent horror Vampires, and really suits the grindhouse-style production.

The industrial score fully hooked me, because it heightens the scenes with expert-level electronic music and metal.

• Fun Fact #5: Carpenter and producer Bruce Robb recruited musicians from current heavy metal bands to supplement Carpenter’s score and make it authentic. These included members of Anthrax, Steve Vai, Buckethead, and former Nine Inch Nails and Guns N’ Roses guitarist Robin Finck.

This movie reminded me of reading The Season of Passage by Christoper Pike as a teenager. It’s about a horror brought back from Mars via a human host. I was fascinated by this concept and, despite my superbly goldfish-like memory, I can clearly recall exactly how messed up I felt after reading it, which made me extra receptive to Ghosts of Mars. I also live fairly close to Canada’s second-largest copper mine, in a super dark rural area that I’m 100% sure is full of ghosts and vampires.

I’m literally the perfect audience for this movie.

But at the same time, it’s just so good. I truly don’t get why people hate on it. Go into it expecting a cheesy ’80s action flick and you’ll get everything you want and need. Don’t overthink it.